Ultimafia Showdown
by Takigawa Aki
Summary: The Ranking Planet doesn't only rank; it stages the Ultimate Showdown. All but one will fight to their death; who will remain standing? Crack.


This was a crack dare from a friend of mine. It is dedicated to her. This is all your fault, Aimee!

**Warning: crack, crack, crack, violence, crack, parody, crack, blood, guts, pineapple hair, and craaaaaaack**

**I don't own Ultimate Showdown or Kateikyoushi. Sob!**

**The Ultimafia Showdown**

It was something to do with the Ranking Planet. At least, Fuuta thought so. When Tsuna returned from the future to his time, something split in the time/space continuum. It was scary. But who other than the Ranking Planet could pull off something like this? It was definitely his alien friends even if they never showed their faces, only blared humanoid-sounding voices loudly over the vast field. "One of you will survive unpunished," it called. A shiver went down his spine. "The rest of you will serve as sacrifices to appease the God of Space and Time. You will entertain herm by partaking in a battle royale. This will begin in thirty seconds."

He frowned. Of course they'd come up with something so ridiculous! Herm Majesty would probably approve, too. At least he had his book of rankings under his arm and would be able to tell who would win.

"The field is a total of two square kilometers, in which there are several types of land. Traps are abundant, as are wild animals, so your only enemies are not each other. Good goring!"

A large horn blared and all hell broke loose.

"Come here, little chickie!" Dr. Shamal grinned, a pill rolling between his thumb and index finger as his eyes landed on a petite girl in a green uniform. Her trident was weird, but she was cute enough to excuse that and her eyepatch. Best to get the innocent ones out of the way before they were tormented by the sights of all the violence that would come soon.

She spun around, her visible eye wide with fright. "A—ah!" she whimpered, her gaze falling to the pill he was obviously holding as a weapon. Chrome held out the trident defensively, her expression one of fear at the fights breaking out all around them and the man stalking near her predatorily.

A hundred yards away stood Adelheid, looking in disgust at the chaos around. No one knew how to fight here! They were just brawling. She was better than they were because she could avoid all of the fighting and wait for one opponent, already tired out, to kill.

"It'll be quick, little girl!" Shamal yelled with a mad chuckle as he broke the pill and threw it at Chrome. She gasped and batted it away with her trident. It landed on the ground and a beetle crawled lazily from it to fly off in another direction. The doctor gaped. The beetle was supposed to be aggressive.

Belphegor groaned from his seat in the branches of a tree. "Kill that faghag, you idiot!" he jeered, his arm raised as if he were cheering a sporting event. Behind him a blue eye glinted, then a red as scaly jaws snapped open to reveal fangs. "Rape the pussy!" His words cut off in a choke as the python wrapped around his arms and ribs.

A fortress of impenetrable ice grew at a rate that drew gazes from all around. Adelheid smirked, safely tucked away from the fighting until her own victory was assured. Now it was time to wait and be a little lazy. There was a tiny pain on her arm and she looked down with a frown. "Eww!" she huffed. "I hate it when bugs get in here!"

Abruptly she paled and fell over, her fortress tumbling with her, as the beetle flew off, its spread wings revealing a while skull on its back. Shamal tut-tutted. "Oh," he sighed. "I keep forgetting it's cold that makes it bite people…"

Across the field, standing in the middle of a wide clearing that made hiding impossible, Gokudera looked around with his hands full of dynamite. "Bring it, bitches!" he cried with a wide grin. "Come on, freak, let's see if your sword's bigger than my TNT!"

Squalo charged, his katana held at the ready. He sliced the dynamite that came his way easily, sheering the fuses in half as he quickly closed the distance between himself and the annoying brat. Then he tripped.

The wire he put his foot on caused the clearing to blow up, sending everyone within fifty feet to their knees. A stray stick of dynamite rolled from the carnage to rest at the base of a tree. Chikusa looked at it and straightened his glasses with a tiny smile, fingering another loop of cord hidden in his pocket, and sauntered off with a whistle.

Ken was slipping in a channel when a gunshot of Dying Will flame drove through his forehead during his transformation. He fell, his channels falling to scatter across the grass as Xanxus nodded and turned to look for another target. Before he was able to react to the pressure on his neck, three long slices across his throat sent him to ground, gurgling through his own blood.

"That was my opossum channel earlier, moron!" Chikusa laughed. "Say hello to kitty claws!"

"What a pussy." Julie Katou grinned at his own joke as he decapitated the Kokuyo boy with a long blade. Blood splattered his shirt and he pouted. "Ah well. I'll get a new one to celebrate my victory."

Several dozen meters away, Belphegor had crashed to the ground with the python wrapped around him. His lips were growing blue as he wriggled a knife in place and stabbed the snake from the inside of its coil. It sliced through and the python hissed, heterochromatic eyes glittering angrily. With his new momentum of the first cut he left the python in two. The illusion faded as he caught his breath, grinning madly.

Shamal was run through by a long trident without warning. Mukuro smirked behind him, pushed a lock of hair behind his ear, and strode over to Chrome after tugging the blood-covered weapon from the flesh. She was pale but fell into his arms with only a little moan of fear as he laid a hand on her hair. For a moment everyone else was involved in their own fights and so they were left alone.

Dino had Lussuria by the neck with his whip, his eyes narrowed angrily. Behind him, there was a crash and a strangled yell. The blonde turned to look and gasped to see that Romario had been killed by Genkishi's sword. With that, he turned back around to his own foe, overcorrected his balance and went sprawling. The whip pulled tight, cutting off Lussuria's air supply further, and he fell onto the piece of dynamite that had been dropped earlier. The impact set it off.

Genkishi was met by a glare and the scowl of Hibari Kyouya, who straightened his prefect sash primly and held out a tonfa. "Prepare to be bitten to death," he hissed, angry at the death of his tutor though it was rather herbivorous of him. Before he could attack, a hand of water covered the sword wielder's face, forcing itself into his mouth and down into his lungs. Bluebell grinned and returned to her solid form with a glance at Kyouya before she took off again.

"I don't like dumb people," she said with a shrug. "I've been dying to kill him for forever."

Well, if he'd been her prey all that time, he thought, then who was he to begrudge her? Forever was a long time, after all.

"Little Chrome!" came a sudden cry behind Mukuro. "Why are you with the likes of him? Come here, cute little girl." Glo Xinia gave his most winning grin and cracked his riding crop against his hip. "I'll take care of your pest problem there!" Mukuro turned with a glare that said he was unamused as his red eye flashed and the vines hanging from the trees began to wrap themselves around the intruder, very like tentacles. Glo Xinia died rather happily, all things considered.

Sitting happily at the edge of the arena was a white-haired man, chewing thoughtfully on a handful of marshmallows. A quick look at Bluebell, who was approaching rather cautiously, just made him smile widely. "What a lovely day!" he purred happily, neglecting to mention that she was going to step on a bomb, one of the 'traps' that had been announced earlier and he'd managed to avoid. Bluebell went up in a blast as fiery as her personality and Byakuran stood, casually sauntering off to find a cooler place to lounge.

Recovered from his near suffocation, Belphegor was prowling with a rictus grin. "Look out behind you," came a low voice before the sound of loud growling met his ears. A pack of wolves brought him down kicking and stabbing. Mukuro gave Chrome a comforting pat on the head as she shied away from the carnage.

"_I_ wanted to kill him!" Mukuro turned in surprise to see another blonde just before the knife connected with his forehead and he fell backwards. Chrome shrieked, eyes already filling with tears, and drove her trident through Rasiel. Abruptly an empty feeling of dizziness overtook her as the illusory organs Mukuro had made faded away, leaving her on the ground with a thin line of blood trailing from her lips.

Lambo shrank back from Hibari as he stalked closer, eyes narrowed down at the weeping toddler. Snot trailed from the baby's nose and he sobbed, whimpering and flinching away as the prefect knelt in front of him, regarding him silently. Abruptly he reached forward a laid a gentle hand on the soft afro, his lips pursed as if puzzled. "This is no place for babies," Hibari murmured. "But you're small and cute. Don't worry; I'll protect you."

At the mention of babies, Lambo's eyes widened and he reached into his hair for a metal cone. "Oh? A toy?" Hibari questioned curiously.

The toddler stuck it onto the side of his head with a psychotic grin. "I'll teach you to call me a whiny baby!" he screamed, though Hibari had said nothing of the sort. Lightning arced from the horn to connect with the prefect's chest. He fell without a sound, expression unreadable.

Chikusa was readying his deadly yo-yo, facing Katou Julie with a mischievious expression. Julie feinted forward and deftly avoided the needles thrown his way. His hat blew off but he paid it no mind as he produced a large scythe and swiftly decapitated the last Kokuyo. With a wild grin he started off, looking for more prey.

Byakuran looked up, searching for the source of sobbing above, and smiled at the sight of a toddler high in a tree. "Boo!" he yelled. With a scream Lambo fell from his branch to the ground thirty feet below. The albino's smile remained as innocent as ever as he nibbled at another marshmallow.

The Simon took off his glasses as his form changed. "Nufufu!" he cried, grinning as he glanced down at his own form, finally revealed in all its glory. Byakuran turned to him, blinking as if in puzzlement.

"Are you trying to be a Jrocker with those little studs and chains?" he questioned absently.

Flushing angrily, Daemon Spade lunged forward. The albino sidestepped, still looked absently at a point far away. "Have a marshmallow; it will help your mood."

The Mist illusionist drove the scythe forward but a wave of flame pressure held him back. Byakuran was smiling like a cat. "Shoo," he chided. "Go step on a bomb. I don't want to get my marshmallows bloody." He was about to flip his hand at the primo when the illusion of another scythe cut him down from behind.

"Marshmallows my ass!" Spade cried victoriously, grinning as he went hunting for his next opponent. The sight of Fuuta's toes sticking out of the hollow in the base of a tree made him laugh and he ducked forward, blade held ready to cut down his last foe. His heel landed on a mine.

Minutes later, Fuuta crawled from his hiding place and sobbed at the mess around him. His ranking book was open and the page labeled _Battle Royale._ His name was at the top of the list. He cried a little longer at the sight and stood shakily, clutching it tight. "Why'd you kill all my friends?" he sniffled up at the sky.

A green-skinned alien came to greet him. "We needed to know who was the best to serve Herm Majesty for her annual feast!" se laughed. "You are the most worthy, Fuuta."

He ducked his head. "Herm Majesty wants me to serve herm?"

"After the cooks have cooked and made you worthy of serving to herm, of course!"

Fuuta cried quietly as he was guided to a flying saucer.


End file.
